Devolution

Women were once to be a "help meet" to their husbands, a help, a suitable companion. Then women became helpmates, or servants. Modern culture seems to portray women as play mates, or objects for a man's gratification. This is truly a devolution.

I can see how helpmate may have grown out of the fact that if a woman was minding her home and a man defending it, men were involved in war. That involvement often led to having captives who were often women, because their men had died in battle.

In our increasingly gender neutral society, we have stripped away the true meaning of femininity and the original purpose of matrimony. Femininity has been reduced to softness and sexuality. The word originally grew from the concept of being able to bear and nurture life, through a woman's body. Back to that mother nurture concept. Matrimony literally means motherhood. That should clue us in on how far we have come.

We can return to femininity and the real purposes of matrimony. However, it will have to be by personal choice and not by mandate.

Ezer K'negdo Revisited

An Ezer is a help., not a slave. Ezer is used at least 20 times in the OT to refer to God, when we need His help!

K'negdo is suitable or appropriate to. This is not about being a rubber stamp. Nor is it about wearing the pants. It is about opposing that which is not our highest self, bringing out the best.

This is an inborn gift of our Heavenly Father. I call it the mother-nurture, as Eve was the mother of all living. Women find ways to manifest this creative power in their lives, as they become not only ezers to their husbands, but to their families as well. In Titus 2:5 "keepers at home" comes from the Greek word that means housekeepers or guards. Wow! guarders of the home. In this day and age there is much to guard our hearts, minds, and families from. Too often the TV instead of a tool for virtue becomes a sewer piping filth, philosophies of men, and Babylon into our living rooms. Perhaps, if women would "She ariseth also while it is yet night, and giveth [spiritual] meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens," by communing with our Maker and pondering His words, we could better guard our homes.

Just another pearl to consider.

Pearls

The Proverbs 31 Lady, was of value above pearls. At least in the Hebrew. So, I need to read Proverbs 31 and see what pearls of wisdom I can find. Then start stringing my strand of pearls.

A Covenant Marriage

As a mother, I have prayed for suitable husband for my daughters. I want for them, joy everlasting with a loving companion in a covenant marriage. It is a beautiful moment to witness the culmination of a pure and chaste courtship to the joining together, into an eternal Covenant marriage, of a my princess daughter: a beautiful, chaste, prepared, Daughter of Destiny to her equally prepared Godly man. This was a choice experience as I watched my daughter gaze into his eyes and tears flowed on his cheeks, a tender moment. Yes, a mother's prayers have been answered.

He proposed on a Sabbath morning, as they walked to church together, one week ago. She had called me that morning and had been fasting. She told me that she had prayed and knew that he was the one, that God had a mission for him soon, that he needed a help meet to assist him in this, and that she knew that she was the one to be that help meet for him. Little did she know that he was fasting and praying about her.

They prayerfully considered the possible dates and timing, with school and summer plans and felt moved to wed on Friday afternoon. His maternal grandfather was able to perform the marriage ceremony. The reception celebration will be after the honeymoon. The vital and sacred part has been given the central focus it should have, and not over shadowed by extravagant after wedding festivities.

I am at peace knowing she belongs to a Godly triangle of a covenant marriage, with God presiding and a wonderful, tenderhearted, caring, gentle, Godly man. Watching her through the week as they worked through obstacles and challenges prayerfully, together, and at God's altar, I could see that she is truly a joyous help meet for her new husband. A match made in Heaven. Now they are together by Divine Design.

Helpmate as in American Heritage Dictionary online

Helpmate

SYLLABICATION:	help·mate
PRONUNCIATION:	hlpmt
NOUN:	A helper and companion, especially a spouse.
ETYMOLOGY:	Probably alteration of helpmeet (influenced by mate1).
WORD HISTORY:	The existence of the synonyms helpmeet and helpmate is the result of an error compounded. God's promise to Adam in Genesis 2:18, as rendered in the King James version of the Bible (1611), was to give him “an help [helper] meet [fit or suitable] for him.” The poet John Dryden's 1673 use of the phrase “help-meet for man,” with a hyphen between help and meet, was one step on the way toward the establishment of the phrase “help meet” as an independent word. Another was the use of “help meet” without “for man” to mean a suitable helper, usually a spouse, as Eve had been to Adam. Despite such usages, helpmeet was not usually thought of as a word in its own right until the 19th century. Nonetheless, the phrase “help meet” probably played a role in the creation of helpmate, from help and mate, first recorded in 1715.

The Death of Character

We live in a culture that delays adulthood and prolongs an unhealthy childhood, grounded in distraction and entertaining ones self. How did we get to this place? Perhaps we are seeing Child-Adults emerging that are children of Child-Adults.

For too long, American parents have been infantile in their reliance of experts. Perhaps this reliance on experts was a convenience that let parents shift their responsibilities to others while they pursued their own entertainment and dreams. Sometimes, that shift of responsibilities was to send their children into the care and training of other adults, teachers, club advisers, coaches, and instructors. America seemed to gobble up the idea that if they got the right experts to raise their children that they would have parenting down to a science that would benefit their children. Sometimes the responsibility shifted to the children themselves, and children raised children behind closed doors, latched with a key, often leaving children to be entertained. There were also adults that were present, but not present, which left children to be entertained.

The lack of good character has led to a generation of cowards and self centered brats. We have young men and women that avoid relationships; some out of fear and others out of selfishness. Fear of hurt, fear that commitment to something other than themselves, will cause them to shrivel, die and be unhappy. Selfish because they are self serving and are addicted to self entertainment, taking care of number one, and doing one's own thing. They arrive at adulthood, unprepared to enter into full adult life and engage in adult responsibility, and therefore shun it, except for how it serves their own wants.

I used to think it was sports, media, TV and computers fault. No longer. In reality, these are mere tools that can be used with discretion, or abused. Yes, there are content issues. However, even when these are resolved, they can still hijack lives. They have become scapegoats, easy to abuse, because we fail to see clearly, the real problem. The death of character is the problem, the failure to have developed our own good character and failure to guide our children to obtaining a good character. A person of character is not easily hijacked into squandering time, being personally selfish, or shifting responsibilities to others, no matter how expert the others may seem credentialed, papered, certified, or degreed. Degrees and training do not guaranty wisdom, nor ethics, nor do they confer character.

So, how does one obtain good character, if they do not already have it? One first has to choose and commit to it. I realize that this is difficult for anyone who has not developed good character, in their lives. It will take the retraining of the heart, and tutoring of the habit. It can be done. Study of the scriptures can help us understand good and bad character. Study of the lives of men of good reputation is helpful, as well. To have time to develop character, you may have to cage your scapegoats, examine their use, and limit them, while you develop character enough that they are no longer convenient.

Those Who know Who They Are...

Sons and daughters of God, who know and understand who they are will want to bring children into this world, to be raised and nurtured in a covenant home. It is sad that so many young men want to delay marriage and family responsibility. So many young women want to limit the size of their family, postpone children, or not have any.

In a world where appearances are everything, hearts are often set on an image of an Adonis or a Venus. Too often, little thought is given of whether this young Adonis would ever get up at night and lovingly care for a sick or crying child. How will he deal if his Venus is so morning sick she cannot function? Does he have a work ethic, or does he live to be entertained? Will he provide spiritual leadership in the home?

What about the young lady? Will she encourage and stand by her man? Can she manage resources wisely? Can she care for her home? Does she have any domestic skills? Would she nurture children in Christ?

I believe that men and women should labor together to raise a family. That they should be help meet for each other. I believe that daughters who know who they are will want to raise their own children and would not want to trust so sacred a trust to a hireling. Really, it only makes sense that if the woman conceives and carries a child, then gives it life, and nurses that child to weaning, the man should be the provider and protector.

Women can be the most unkind. The feminist movement (I find no true femininity there) does not value children or mothering. They have labeled those, who choose to stay home, as mindless leeches. I find that many women who choose to stay home, are unselfish, wise and courageous women of vision. Unselfish because they are willing to give up or postpone personal wants, to care for, nurture, and sacrifice for others. Wise, because they understand that the hand that rocks the cradle does rule the world. Courageous, because they will have to endure the hurtful and thoughtless remarks of others. Visionary, because they can see the difference they can make, by being their child's primary caregiver. Of course, not all who choose so, live up to their privileges or catch the vision of who they are and the great work they are undertaking.

It takes a visionary, unselfish, courageous, and wise man, to be equally yoked with such a woman. I feel that many young men do not prepare to be Godly husbands and fathers. They give little thought if they will be the one suitable to have a help meet for them. Little thought to the preparation to be that kind of man.

Our society is too busy being entertained, too focused on preparing daughters for careers, too caught up in making sure their sons get on sports teams, or follow those teams, to prepare them for family life and parenthood, husbandry and becoming a wife. We treat marriage as if it is an event, instead of a life. As a result children are not valued and even avoided. Marriages are more often temporary.

It is my hope that we raise sons and daughters that know...

Why You Need a Double Standard

I read this today and felt that it was profound enough to pass on.

Why You Need a Double Standard

Expecting more of yourself and less of your mate can do wonders for your marriage

by Gary Thomas

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"You brought them home hungry?" Lisa asked.

I stared at my wife, dumbfounded.

"It's 7:45, and you brought them home hungry?" she asked again.

I tried to come up with a good excuse. "Well, I, uh, you see . …" I gave up. "Yeah, I guess I did."

I thought I had done Lisa a favor. I took the kids for the evening so she could have a night off. I wanted her to eat dinner while reading a magazine and rediscover that, in some corners of the world, there still remains a phenomenon called "silence."

Now I was back home, and all the self-righteous defenses came rushing to my mind. "Here I try to give you an evening off, and you get upset just because the kids want a little snack! You know our kids—they need to eat every seven minutes!"

Instead of voicing that, however, I took a walk and did some praying. "Okay, God, what are we going to talk about tonight?"

A clear thought came into my mind: How can you love your wife better? God was pushing me to come up with ways I could make Lisa's life easier. And it wasn't anything as simple as buying another piece of lingerie ("Gary, this is for her, not for you"). Instead, they were eminently practical changes: I could make the kids' lunches. I could take them out one evening a week and bring them home with full stomachs. I could get them ready for bed at least three nights a week.

I felt the Lord teaching me that the happiest husband is the one who lives with a double standard—he's tough on himself and easy on his wife.

Meeting the Standard
I spent the first few days of our marriage adding up the pluses and minuses of our various personality traits. The problem was, I spent too much time on my pluses and Lisa's minuses. Then I read a passage written by John Owen, one of the great Puritan scholars: "The person who understands the evil in his own heart is the only person who is useful, fruitful and solid in his beliefs and obedience. Others only delude themselves and thus upset families, churches and all other relationships. In their self-pride and judgment of others, they show great inconsistency."

I realized I was deluded by my sense of self-righteousness. Rather than focusing on what Lisa could improve, I should have been on my knees, begging God to change me. This thought was magnified one morning when I was praying through Scripture. All of a sudden, a question startled me: "Does Lisa see Jesus in me?"

Scripture reminds us, again and again, that our goal as Christians is to become more like Christ. In Ephesians 5:1 we read, "Be imitators of God." Elsewhere, Paul wrote, "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son" (Rom. 8:29). As I grow in relationship to Christ, my wife should be able to notice at least some family resemblance. God was showing me that I had fallen short of improving myself for my wife's sake.

"But wait!" the selfish me wanted to cry out. "What about her? " But then I remembered a passage written by William Law, an eighteenth-century Anglican: "No one is of the Spirit of Christ but he that has the utmost compassion for sinners. Nor is there any greater sign of your own perfection than you find yourself all love and compassion toward them that are very weak and defective. And on the other hand, you have never less reason to be pleased with yourself than when you find yourself most angry and offended at the behavior of others."

That was the holy double standard I needed. As I become more unyielding and aggressive in attacking my own sins and weaknesses, I must extend more and more grace and gentleness toward others in theirs.

Back at the Home Office
When I became self-employed and decided to work out of our home, the double standard turned into more than just a good idea. We live, with our three children, in a townhouse—which meant our bedroom would have to double as my office. When people find out what we're doing, they're amazed. "And you still like each other?" they ask.

In fact, working at home has done wonders for our marriage. For the first time, I could see what it was like to spend an entire day being Lisa. Oh, I used to watch her in action every weekend. But what makes her life difficult isn't an occasional 48-hour stretch. It's the day-in and day-out responsibility of raising three kids. It's the pressure of getting the homeschooling lessons done, while lunches need to be made and clothes need to be washed and kids need to be chauffeured to ballet and soccer practice.

At the same time, Lisa saw what it was like for me to sit for hours in front of a computer, writing articles and speeches, and keeping up with all the paperwork involved in my business. Some days I was tired or sick. Sometimes the weather outside was beautiful, but always I stayed in my chair. She saw my determination and the pressure of meeting deadlines and taking on assignments I wasn't sure I could handle, but I was really sure we needed the paycheck.

Lisa and I began to develop an empathy for each other, and it improved our exercise of the double standard. As I understand the challenges Lisa faces, I'm more likely to "go easy" on her. I'm learning to make excuses for my wife the way I so easily make them for myself: "Look, I just finished a really intense assignment; I need to veg out." Now I prod myself: "She's had a tough day, Gary. Get the kids out of the house and give her some time to herself."

Looking Out for Number Two
Here's what I found out: Applying a double standard often leads to receiving a double standard. As I have become more generous toward Lisa, I've noticed that she has become more generous toward me. I recently returned from a trip feeling as if I'd walked every one of the 400 miles I had just driven. I had spoken six times in four days and driven through four states. I pulled into our driveway thinking, "I'm so tired. All I want to do is watch a late football game."

But as I came through the door, I knew Lisa was thinking, "Good, he's home. I've had the kids to myself all weekend and they're driving me crazy." This is the stuff colossal marriage fights are made of.

But then I discovered Lisa and I had both changed. I pulled out the flavored popcorn I'd brought home for the kids, and we talked at the kitchen table as they ate. I noticed Lisa was being incredibly sensitive toward me.

"You've got to be exhausted," she said. "Let me take care of the kids tonight."

But hearing her say that made me want to care for the kids. She was being hard on herself and easy on me, which made me want to be hard on myself and easy on her. That's when I realized: "This double standard business really does build stronger marriages."

If each of us assumes our spouse has it the hardest and that we miss the mark most frequently—and act accordingly—we'll find a mix that's just about right. When we adopt this double standard, we find that encouragement replaces accusation, appreciation replaces resentfulness and understanding replaces judgment. And isn't that the type of marriage we're all looking for?

Gary Thomas is a writer and speaker. He and Lisa and their three children live in Manassas, Virginia.

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Copyright © 1997 by Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership Magazine.
Spring 1997, Vol. 14, No. 1, Page 8